The effect of Mental illness In Relationships

Today is a special day, because i am not the only one writing this blog. My wonderful fiance is going to talk about the difficulties she has with me do to my Mental illnesses. I will also put some statistics in and some professional input from the Internet.

This is going to get a little personal for me because I have to tell you about my personal relationships. So here it goes.

This is from my side of the story, my fiance will tell you hers later.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 2, and Borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately these disorders, have negative effects on my relationships, and they have a tendency to play off of each other. Let me say this before I go on with the story. I love Sam with all of my heart and soul, and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her.

With the bipolar disorder, my moods switch alot from highs to lows, from depressed to happy, and happy to anger, and so on. I try not to take out anything on Sam but when i am going through an episode, I say or do things that make Sam feel bad, or that she did something wrong, and she hasn't. And honestly I don't try to but this does happen and it happens alot. Not only that but, I tend to do stupid things when I go through my episodes, some of the things I do is spending sprees, not sleeping, self-injurious behaviors(I use Sam's hand and arm for that, normally just playing around. But it makes her feel bad) when we had a car, Road rage, crazy driving. she deals with my suicide ideation that i have do to this. It goes on and on.

As for my Borderline, that brings in a whole different problem. And I hate to admit this, and Sam knows this. Now listen up, I love Sam and I know with my heart and logical mind that she would never do this. However my borderline side says, Sam is cheating on me, she does not love me, she is plotting against me, she thinks i am fat and ugly, that i am a screw up, why am i with him. I can find someone better. The worst part for me is this I love Sam with all my heart and soul, and I trust Sam, but only to a certain extent, some has to do with the illness and some has to do with the past.
One of the symptoms that come with bpd is you rush into relationships, and we did. But for us it worked. It is a daily struggle, we fight and she is willing to learn about it and do whatever it takes to make it work.

Another thing I have noticed, that I do, is sometimes I have a hard time validating her feelings, because to me the things she is going through is not a problem. In my head I am thinking you haven't seen anything. Try walking in my shoe's in the past then come talk to me. But I have come to realize with the help of the people that help me and in my research, that it may not be a big deal to me, but to Sam it is. I have to remember to validate her feelings. This is really hard for me sometimes because for the most part I have a lack of feelings, I don't feel things the way "normal" people do. So it is a struggle and a strain, but we still push through it. We love each other and I know that.

Now Sam is going to take over, and after she is done I will put in what professional say, I will not put the statistics down because I don't like the negative. Well here she is.


This part is written by Sam

Hello!!

I'm Sam as you all know and found out. I have only three mental illnesses. They are Depression, Anxiety and ADHD. To me they aren't as major as what Dustin has but they are still up there.

Living with someone that has Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder is a daily struggle. As Dustin said it has its ups and downs. Especially when Dustin gets into his moods. I am still learning when he is in his moods. I learned so far that when he is quiet he is either thinking or in one of his depressed stages, either A) I leave him alone to think or B) Find out what is going on and try to talk to him. Now when he is Angry i know just to let him think it through and than when he is done thinking it through that he will come talk to me about it.

With Dustin's Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is honestly something I don't like. I hate knowing that he thinks that I don't want him, that I don't love him, that he think that I think he looks ugly (which he doesn't, he looks very handsome to me!!). Some days I have to remind him of that and I have no problem telling him that I am never going to leave him and that he looks handsome. We have a thing we say to each other and it is "Your stuck with me!" but one of us always replies "I'm not stuck its willing!" For me that always makes me smile and it does the same for him. I try my best to make sure he knows that I am not going anywhere and that I love him and only him.

I know that he doesn't try to hurt me (nothing is ever physical hurt, just so you know)  but sometimes the things that he says or the acting that he does hurts me and I don't like it but i also have to realize that it is a part of his mental illnesses. When he sees the look on my face that I get when he says something that hurts me he know right away that that wasn't the thing to say. To be honest I am a person that does get hurt easily because I take things seriously sometimes and I take it personal. Like when he is mad at the dog perhaps and I ask him something and he kind of snaps at me. Its not that I did anything wrong but its because he was/is angry at the dog.

It isn't easy living with someone that has both BPD and Bipolar. Its a daily struggle and with me my depression doesn't help. There are days that I just want to stay home and not face the world because of it and Dustin wants to go do something but I make him sad when I tell him I don't want to go with or don't want to go period. I don't like making him feel bad because I am always scared that I will put him in his state of depression and I honestly don't want to do that. I like it when he is happy and smiling. There are also days that I have that are like Dustin's. I will have days that I have to be reminded on why he is with me because I think that there is someone better than me, someone that is more experienced in the mental health field than I am and he could relate better with, someone that is prettier than me, smarter than me and so on and so on.

But Dustin and I (i think) balance each other out enough to where its not a easy relationship but its not hard either. I love Dustin with all my heart and I know that he loves me.

If you are willing to work on the relationship and not give up on it, then it just might work out like Dustin and I. It is possible because we work on it every day, we are going to counseling and we are just taking it one day at a time.

Sam is right, we have to take this one day at a time, when you live with someone that is bpd or bipolar it is a struggle. But don't give up there is hope with love, and alot of hard work, and counseling it can work.

I am going to give you some stuff from professionals just to put some stuff in prospective. Here it is....
This is from about.com

BPD relationships are often chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden. This can be especially true for romantic BPD relationships. Many people have been hurt in their romantic relationships with borderline personality partners, but others have found a way to make the relationships work.
If you are considering starting a relationship with someone with BPD, or are in one now, you need to educate yourself about the disorder and what to expect. If you have been diagnosed with BPD, it can be helpful to think about how your symptoms have affected your romantic relationships.

Romantic BPD Relationships and Symptoms

One of the core features of BPD is the presence of serious interpersonal problems. People with BPD tend to have intense, unstable relationships, characterized by frequent wavering between strong clinginess/dependency and sudden withdrawal. In addition, many of the symptoms of BPD (e.g., suicidal gestures, impulsive behavior) are extremely frustrating and scary for romantic partners, and can introduce more stress into the relationship.
To learn more about the variety of ways that BPD can affect all kinds of relationships, see this article titled “Borderline Relationships: Understand the Impact of BPD Symptoms.”

Research on Romantic BPD Relationships

Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction. For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. In addition, the more severe of person’s BPD symptoms are, the less satisfaction their partners report.
Research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time, and a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women. Individuals with BPD also tend to have more former partners and tend to terminate more relationships in their social networks than patients without personality disorders — this suggests that romantic relationships with people with BPD are more likely to end in a break up.
It is important to note, however, that these types of problems are not exclusive to BPD. People with many different types of personality disorder symptoms report problems in their romantic relationships. However, it is clear that people with BPD struggle in their romantic relationships.

Starting a Romantic Relationship with Someone With BPD

Given all the difficulties that exist in BPD relationships, why would anyone start a relationship with someone with BPD? First, it is important to remember that despite these intense and disruptive symptoms, people with BPD are frequently good, kind, and caring individuals. Often they have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time.
In addition, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD talk about how fun, exciting, and passionate a BPD partner can be. Many people are drawn to a BPD partner precisely because people with BPD have intense emotions and strong desire for intimacy.

BPD Relationships and Sex

Impulsive sexuality is one of the symptoms of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. In addition, a large percentage of people with BPD experienced childhood sexual abuse, which can make sex very complicated.
Research has shown that women with BPD have more negative attitudes about sex, are more likely to feel pressured into having sex by their partner, and are more ambivalent about sex, than women without BPD. Unfortunately no research has been done on sexuality in men with BPD.

Can You Make a Romantic BPD Relationship Last?

Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. People with BPD will often report that at the beginning of a new romantic relationship they put their new partner “on a pedestal” and sometimes feel they have found their perfect match, a soul mate who will rescue them from the emotional pain (a kind of thinking called “idealization.”)
This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. After all, it is really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you, and to feel as if you are needed.
Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect (idealized) soul mate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well. As a result, they may quickly go from idealization to devaluation (or thinking that their partner is a horrible person).
The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles (and to encourage your BPD partner to get professional help to reduce these cycles). Sometimes partners in a BPD relationships are helped by couples therapy.


The effects of bipolar disorder in relationships

Created on: August 27, 2010 Last Updated: February 24, 2011
It would be very idealistic and oversimplified to say that a relationship with a person with bi-polar disorder is the same as having a relationship with a non-afflicted person, but this is not the case. Bi-polar disorder brings with it a myriad of symptoms which tend to complicate communications. The manic highs or more prevalent depressed lows can be misunderstood for problems within the relationship unless both parties remember and remind each other that bipolar disorder plays havoc with moods and may be the cause of onset of discord. Whether the relationship is professional, platonic, or intimate, it may possibly be touched in every aspect by issues brought on by bi-polar disorder, even if the affected party is medicated and stable.

Unlike ordinary mood swings, bipolar disorder is a serious mood disorder, and the highs and lows are not fleeting but can last for weeks or months and seriously impair ability to function, hurt your job, impair school performance, and damage relationships. It is treatable, but medications do not totally eradicate the symptoms and they do have side effects of their own. A person in a relationship with a bipolar (formerly known as manic depressive) person, should educate themselves about the disorder in general and about their friends condition in particular, if it is appropriate, and the affected person wants to share this information. In a close or intimate friendship it is essential to know as much as possible about the one suffering with bipolar, to avoid misunderstandings and to help him or her realize when their illness may be causing problems and they don't have the insight to realize it. Long silences can be misread as anger, when actually, the bipolar person may just be feeling introspective or tired because of the medication. Or a sudden spree of careless spending may indicate an episode of upcoming mania, which is well worth watching out for in case a change of medication is required.

A real friend must understand that the potent cocktail of medications the bipolar person takes has usually been constructed over years or months especially for him or her. These medications may seem like a stumbling block, in that the person with bipolar-disorder may be sleepy frequently or, unfortunately, may experience symptoms such as weight gain or a lack of energy. The patient is aware of these side effects, too, if he is having them, and he definitely hates feeling like that more than you hate seeing him that way. But consider the trade off he has been willing to make; the mental anguish that would drive a person to make such a trade; The willingness to continue taking such potent, strength depleting medications in exchange for the reassurance that one's own mind will not turn against itself so fiercely on a regular basis. This is sometimes hard for someone in a relationship to understand, particularly since so many remnant symptoms do not disappear with the medication. It is a hard bargain not to become totally, instantly well when one must regulate one's life with a concoction that both saves you and weakens you.


A great many brilliant and productive people have bipolar disorder. It is treatable, and one of the best treatments is to have a good friend. It is not necessary to sacrifice your whole life to the demands of bipolar disorder, but it is worth some creative effort to make life more bearable for your relationship. Like any relationship, it takes work and is worth it.


I know this has been a long blog, and I am sorry but this is something that I hope you can learn from and see it is possible to have a relationship with someone as long as you are willing to work on it.


Dusitn P.
Sam S.